in memory of Sam

9/23/20, 12:08am- 1:05am,

This is written as a diary entry reflecting about my birthday and thinking about Sam

Today's been a mediocre birthday- but mediocre is still great during a pandemic!! I went out for dinner with my roomies, and felt incredibly cared for from all the birthday wishes! If family or friends ever get to see this note, thank you!! Obviously, I am writing in this section not to talk about my birthday, but to put my thoughts into words about Sammy- hence being in the in memory of Sam section.

It is a little selfish for me to mention my birthday, but as today progressed, it has been the most I have ever thought about Sam since being with family in August. Maybe my adult responsibilities- taking life, school, and personal growth seriously have opened my eyes; therefore finding a crevasse of guilt about forgetting the feeling of missing Sam. Wow you would have been 15 and no birthday message from you this year. I received a care package all the way from home today! And this year, the most important item in the whole package was the card. My mom, dad, and sister wrote a nice encouraging letter filled with love. My mom wrote a message that said, "Sam would have wrote this, 'May all your dreams and wishes come true'". To provide context, while Jessi, Sam and I would write cards to family and family friends, we would each take turns writing our note in the card. Sam would write "may all your dreams and wishes come true". Cheesy, but cute. It's important to note, for Sam's sake, that she was a young prolly 3rd, 4th, or 5th grade when she made this her go to. I admit, looking at this note my mom wrote, I just let out a quick yelp and tears rolled down my face. Hm what was I feeling exactly? I think it was just feeling like her presence was there on the card. It really reminded me about how much I missed her and a note so quick could be so meaningful. Even just imagining what she would say to me. Or is it the fact that this was my first birthday without Sam?? On to the next section.

Later, I felt reminded about Sam while I was in the shower playing the Fifty Shades Freed soundtrack. No, I have not seen the movie, but the soundtrack gives a jazzy pep-in-your-step vibe. I highly recommend playing this soundtrack when you first wake up to brighten your mood. While in the shower, Never Tear Us Apart by Bishop Briggs played. It was the University of Iowa dance team audition song. My thoughts quickly changed from trying to remember the routine to thinking about my mom coming to the try outs with me- how I felt unsupported with my dance passions from my parents but not trying to compare them to other dancer's parents because my grandparents never fully understood my parents passions in extracurriculars too, and its unfair to compare my parents to other parents.

My mind drifted onto thinking about how they always made an effort to support Sam at her soccer games. Everyone in Sam's age started calling her Sammy. I think I called her Sammy sometimes too- it did catch on to our family, but at first I remember thinking... what lol Sammy? you don't fit a Sammy. Anyways, I was reflecting about how supportive my parents were towards Sam's soccer passions. And you know what, I was not supportive. The shower moment was not a little yelp it was crying out a few times and apologizing to my ceiling about how I am so sorry I was not a supportive sister. I know how it feels to feel unsupported from people you want support from. Yes, I had so many opportunities to go to soccer games, to get off my phone watching stupid, pointless, time wasting, Youtube videos about lifestyle, yet I only went to a solid 3 or 4 soccer games. I was so selfish, had little patience for her, was intentionally mean, would purposely focus on something else and even purposely leave Sam out because it made me feel better to hurt her. And all these feelings crept back into my soul for a bit thinking about how much of a better sister I should have been. I'll leave this at that.

During a Whatsapp call with my parents (they have Andriods), my dad surprised me saying he booked a flight to Hawaii November 14th. One week before Thanksgiving break to be with family. I just think back to November last year and so many memories just flood my mind. And now it comes to tonight- Sam's one year memorial is coming up. What a strange time to reflect back on that Thanksgiving dinner night. I really need to get rest. I apologize if this post doesn't make a ton of sense, it's unedited, edged, the rigid layer before the core of what my brain is processing right now. Anyone who reads this- enjoy the rest of your day, night, evening! Know that somebody in your life fully loves and supports you through the thick and thin and in between.

Much love,

Joanna